Here are some common NYC walking crimes that incite murderous sidewalk rage in otherwise-peaceful cokane as I attempt to smoothly maneuver through clogged city pathways and and exit Midtown as fast as possible. (Most of the offenders in this list are people you're walking behind.)
Walking with a lit cigar, anytime, ever. I get that some of life's pleasures are acquired tastes, but you don't see me flinging whiskey or hot sauce in everyone's faces when they're trying to walk home from work. An older cigar aficionado said to me, "You know, I find that women either like the smell of cigars or they don't," as he puffed away on a putrid stoag, and I took this as an implication that I am not a good-sport, one-o-the-guys woman. So I threw whiskey in his eyes. No I didn't. Just in my imagination. Imaginations are fun!
The diagonal walker/zigzagger. This person might just be fucking with you.
Three blind jerks. This is three people walking abreast. They are usually female, yammering away at top volume, walking leisurely, oblivious that anyone behind might need passage, and quite effectively blocking off the entire sidewalk.
The softies. Most often found in Midtown, in middle-aged pairs, frequently with offspring, these are obvious tourists, too soft to be mistaken for New Yorkers. They wear fannypacks and matching mom jeans (even the dads do--they have to match), pastel colors, and caps or visors--"walking clothes" for people who usually don't walk. Softies' common walking infractions include
the walk-and-gawk,
the slack-jawed map-gaze,
the photo op, and their default,
the suburban saunter-to-the-SUV walk rate. They're just visiting, though, so it's more forgiveable.
The flock o' foreigners. Don't even try to cut past (or worse, go through) the screeching mass of Italians with multicolored pastel atrocity backpacks; or the gaggle of Heartland towheads bedecked in protective matching church-group red T-shirts about Jesus made specially for their trip to Heathen Central. Just avoid.
The swarm of schoolchildren. Do you like cacophony at sonic-boom volume? If not, avoid. Who raises kids in the city anyway? They'll be jaded dicks by age 5 and shooting super meth into their eyeballs by 10.
The wide load, one-person sidewalk block. This is not meant as a judgment, but a question: imagine if your own ass were two to three axehandles wide, and the sidewalk approximately three to five of these units wide. Would you lumber down the dead center of said walking path, swaying slightly to and fro and thus more effectively blocking the entire sidewalk, without ever considering that someone more suited to mobility (and for that matter, survival) might be behind you trying to get by? Just wondering. Because LOADS of people do this.
The cutoff. Someone steps in your direct path and proceeds to walk as slowly as Carol Burnett's little-old-lady character. (Wait, no one under 30 will get that ref, will they.) Maybe it is a real old lady, but it's still a walking crime! Just as with driving: slowies, stay to the side.
Bumper-butt cutoff. This is a cutoff followed by a stop. People actually do this. Because they are dumb.
The human deadfall. This is when someone's (or usually a few someones) just hangin' out directly in everyone in New York's way. You know, just chillin'. Hey, why not have a picnic there?
And so on. There's many more. Couples forming hand-in-hand gates, dummies stepping out into foot-traffic without looking, etc. That's not even getting into the multitude of subway infractions.
It is only through education that these marches of crimes can be eliminated and smooth sailing can be restored to the overpopulated city sidewalks of New York. Concerned citizens, show this list to your friends who walk. Are you an offender? Do you commit walking crimes in New York City that perhaps aren't listed here? Just ask yourself this question: Am I being a jerk? No? OK, then. Good.
Labels: jerks, nyc tomfoolery
